I pass long hours of surveillance by memorizing the digits of pi. There is no use whatsoever to me for these knowing these digits in their proper endless sequence other than just stretching my brain out and opening more drawers for storage. I think practicing memory skills is important, especially now, and especially while I've been experiencing a massive digital purge. But also because our brains are changing and we haven't anything near the memory and story-telling ability of generations ago.
Over the summer I developed an acute aversion to the whole concept of documenting, both written and visual, and I'm not sure where to go from here. It's not due to a lack of events or stories, but the extreme over-documentation of everything by everyone all the time. Party photos make me dizzy, Twitter makes me angry, and blogs are disgustingly self-indulgent. Facebook has ruined the photograph for me to the point where taking photos has turned into an awkward act and feels rude - I don't want to be that guy instilling panic in party guests that the photos are going to end up on Facebook. I erased completely old blogs and YouTube accounts because I didn't want possible future employers or boyfriends' ex-girlfriends to find them. It's hard to know what version of yourself you are going to want to edit in the future when our lives are being lived out online.
It felt really good at the time but now I've got a backlog of events and stories that are slipping from memory so smoothly even I barely notice it and no pictures or writing to refresh my memory. I wish I had documented the year better in some way...I just haven't yet figured out what that way is. I keep forgetting the past is happening right now and as it turns out, memorizing 103 digits of pi might help you remember grocery lists but it doesn't bring back the colours of a midsummer night quite like a photograph.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
The Man on the Sidewalk
It was an early Saturday morning and I really didn't feel like working. The good news was that it was raining, so I could enjoy the next few hours I have to myself alone and relaxing in the backseat without the blazing heat of the sun forcing me to wait back there nearly naked.
I was on my way to my destination several blocks away and I came up to a stop sign. I looked over to my left quickly, did a double take and noticed on the sidewalk a toque just sitting there, upright as if the sidewalk was actually wearing it. I thought it might look like a cool photo so I inched forward to take a better look.
And then I saw the rest of what the parked car was blocking. First the very large, very thick pool of blood which led to the body laying face down in it, unmoving. Horrified, I froze. I know it seems obvious now to just run out and call for help right away, but in those situations of instant panic, weird things can pop into your head For the first few seconds I was afraid to leave my car mostly because the body showed no signs of life and I wasn't sure I was ready to handle dealing with finding a dead body first thing in the morning. Also, I was on my way to work and what if the body was dead and I had to answer a myriad of questions and provide a statement. All of this takes time.
Luckily my rationalization took over and I got out of my car and walked across the street. The bloody mess was disgusting and looked almost like there were chunks of brain in it. I found myself surprisingly calm at this gruesome discovery once up close. The man was breathing, struggling through the massive amount of blood that was blocking his nose which was making mucusy bubbles. As I called 911, I touched the man's arm and he instantly came to and splashed his hand around in the pool of blood which now fully surrounded his head. He tried lifting his head and for the first time made eye contact with me. I told him it's going to be ok and help is on its way, though I'm not sure he spoke English. He became frantic and quickly reached out with his bloody hand and grabbed my free arm and pulled me down towards the ground; his grip was impressive. My arm got completely covered in blood and so did my favourite wool sweater. I tore my arm away as the implications of this stranger's blood all over me quickly set in.
A man driving by stops to help and I free my arm from the increasingly agitated man on the ground. He helps me calm the fallen man down but he is very confused (understandably so) and continues to splash his hands in the thick pool of blood while reaching out trying to grab one of us. There is so much blood all over his face and head it's hard to see where the blood is coming from aside from the mucousy mess of his nose. He gets a hold of his toque and tries putting it on his head. This didn't seem like a good idea but the implications of this stranger's blood all over my arms was beginning to set in.
Finally, paramedics arrives. About 5 guys who all looked the same; similar in age, build and height and none of them particularly unattractive. I stepped away with a sigh of relief and called my boss as I watched them try to calm the man. I don't know why I called my boss, he was probably sleeping. It was kind of one of those things where you can't believe how fucked up what just happened was and he was the first person I thought of who would answer that early on a weekend.
After answering some questions and having my arms cleaned and disinfected by the paramedics, I was unsure if I should leave. I stood back and watched for a bit, maybe expecting some kind of good civilian certificate until I realized I wasn't needed anymore. I looked down and found a 4 leaf clover at my foot. It was then I decided to leave and I quietly sunk back into my car as the man was put into an ambulance, now fully strapped down. One of the paramedics saluted me and I continued on to my destination. Just another day at the office.
I was on my way to my destination several blocks away and I came up to a stop sign. I looked over to my left quickly, did a double take and noticed on the sidewalk a toque just sitting there, upright as if the sidewalk was actually wearing it. I thought it might look like a cool photo so I inched forward to take a better look.
And then I saw the rest of what the parked car was blocking. First the very large, very thick pool of blood which led to the body laying face down in it, unmoving. Horrified, I froze. I know it seems obvious now to just run out and call for help right away, but in those situations of instant panic, weird things can pop into your head For the first few seconds I was afraid to leave my car mostly because the body showed no signs of life and I wasn't sure I was ready to handle dealing with finding a dead body first thing in the morning. Also, I was on my way to work and what if the body was dead and I had to answer a myriad of questions and provide a statement. All of this takes time.
Luckily my rationalization took over and I got out of my car and walked across the street. The bloody mess was disgusting and looked almost like there were chunks of brain in it. I found myself surprisingly calm at this gruesome discovery once up close. The man was breathing, struggling through the massive amount of blood that was blocking his nose which was making mucusy bubbles. As I called 911, I touched the man's arm and he instantly came to and splashed his hand around in the pool of blood which now fully surrounded his head. He tried lifting his head and for the first time made eye contact with me. I told him it's going to be ok and help is on its way, though I'm not sure he spoke English. He became frantic and quickly reached out with his bloody hand and grabbed my free arm and pulled me down towards the ground; his grip was impressive. My arm got completely covered in blood and so did my favourite wool sweater. I tore my arm away as the implications of this stranger's blood all over me quickly set in.
A man driving by stops to help and I free my arm from the increasingly agitated man on the ground. He helps me calm the fallen man down but he is very confused (understandably so) and continues to splash his hands in the thick pool of blood while reaching out trying to grab one of us. There is so much blood all over his face and head it's hard to see where the blood is coming from aside from the mucousy mess of his nose. He gets a hold of his toque and tries putting it on his head. This didn't seem like a good idea but the implications of this stranger's blood all over my arms was beginning to set in.
Finally, paramedics arrives. About 5 guys who all looked the same; similar in age, build and height and none of them particularly unattractive. I stepped away with a sigh of relief and called my boss as I watched them try to calm the man. I don't know why I called my boss, he was probably sleeping. It was kind of one of those things where you can't believe how fucked up what just happened was and he was the first person I thought of who would answer that early on a weekend.
After answering some questions and having my arms cleaned and disinfected by the paramedics, I was unsure if I should leave. I stood back and watched for a bit, maybe expecting some kind of good civilian certificate until I realized I wasn't needed anymore. I looked down and found a 4 leaf clover at my foot. It was then I decided to leave and I quietly sunk back into my car as the man was put into an ambulance, now fully strapped down. One of the paramedics saluted me and I continued on to my destination. Just another day at the office.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
The Angry Boy
Our heads were just a couple meters away from each other, but he had no idea I even existed. He sat in the backseat looking straight ahead with the window down while his mother yelled at him in an language I couldn't understand standing out side of the car. The eight year old boy sat still with his unwavering stare though I could imagine his little hands now clenched into solid fists.
When an exasperated grunt, his mother stormed off leaving the boy alone in the car. As she marched into the grocery store, the boy didn't glance back at her once. Five minutes passed and suddenly it was like a spell had been broken causing the boy to become an inquisitive animation. He hopped into the front seat and sat in the driver's seat for a bit, pretending with surprising realism that he was driving. The boy had clearly become an expert in observing and mimicking in addition to his ability to appear stone cold and unresponsive. He moved around the car testing out each seat, and when that began to bore him, he looked for entertainment outside of the vehicle.
The boy peered into my car and suddenly I became the frozen one, not wanting him to see me crouching in the back seat. Despite the one-way glass effect of my windows, if you look hard enough with just the right lighting, you can see inside ever so slightly. Still not totally convince he didn't see me, I got the sense he knew I was in there anyways. Kids have infinitely better intuition about these kinds of things than adults do and it's always when children start poking around my car that I become weary. Deciding that whatever was in my car probably wasn't worth his time, his attention went back to his mom's.
Suddenly the boy stiffened. An idea hit him physically as much as it did mentally. Now moving quickly, the boy jumped into the car and rolled up all the windows. With the driver's side open, he push the automatic lock button and I could hear the mechanical click as he secured all doors at once. He took one last hurried glance around and looked towards a treed area in the distance. The boy started running towards it as fast as he could and didn't look back.
When an exasperated grunt, his mother stormed off leaving the boy alone in the car. As she marched into the grocery store, the boy didn't glance back at her once. Five minutes passed and suddenly it was like a spell had been broken causing the boy to become an inquisitive animation. He hopped into the front seat and sat in the driver's seat for a bit, pretending with surprising realism that he was driving. The boy had clearly become an expert in observing and mimicking in addition to his ability to appear stone cold and unresponsive. He moved around the car testing out each seat, and when that began to bore him, he looked for entertainment outside of the vehicle.
The boy peered into my car and suddenly I became the frozen one, not wanting him to see me crouching in the back seat. Despite the one-way glass effect of my windows, if you look hard enough with just the right lighting, you can see inside ever so slightly. Still not totally convince he didn't see me, I got the sense he knew I was in there anyways. Kids have infinitely better intuition about these kinds of things than adults do and it's always when children start poking around my car that I become weary. Deciding that whatever was in my car probably wasn't worth his time, his attention went back to his mom's.
Suddenly the boy stiffened. An idea hit him physically as much as it did mentally. Now moving quickly, the boy jumped into the car and rolled up all the windows. With the driver's side open, he push the automatic lock button and I could hear the mechanical click as he secured all doors at once. He took one last hurried glance around and looked towards a treed area in the distance. The boy started running towards it as fast as he could and didn't look back.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Heat Wave
There is no shade to speak of and not a cloud in the sky. I carefully angle my body so as to deflect what little breeze is in the air. In these situations it's easy to forget the point of what you're doing because you find yourself struggling to keep it together, stay hydrated, and not look at the time too often. Before long the day soon feels more like an personal endurance test than a crusade in the name of honesty.
Running up the hill are these three shirtless Japanese boys. They talk in rapid breathless voices about where to sit and decide on a bench about 20 feet from me. I keep reading, or at least maintaining the image that that's what I'm doing, ignoring them completely. My attention quickly turns back to the direct sun beating down on me.
I'm not sure how much time passes. I've fake read about 10 pages so far, stopping to carefully look at the occupants of each car that drives past. I look over to the bench of Japanese boys and they have vanished completely.
Sirens, telephones, babies crying. You hear it all in the still of a suburban heat wave and I think about how sound has its own way of time traveling to the future. That sound takes its tiny time machine as far as it has the energy to reach where an action that's already happened turns up in the present.
STOP IT! Pay attention. God it's so fucking hot.
The three shirtless Japanese boys run past me again. In the same direction as the first time and they head towards the bench 20 feet away from me.
Running up the hill are these three shirtless Japanese boys. They talk in rapid breathless voices about where to sit and decide on a bench about 20 feet from me. I keep reading, or at least maintaining the image that that's what I'm doing, ignoring them completely. My attention quickly turns back to the direct sun beating down on me.
I'm not sure how much time passes. I've fake read about 10 pages so far, stopping to carefully look at the occupants of each car that drives past. I look over to the bench of Japanese boys and they have vanished completely.
Sirens, telephones, babies crying. You hear it all in the still of a suburban heat wave and I think about how sound has its own way of time traveling to the future. That sound takes its tiny time machine as far as it has the energy to reach where an action that's already happened turns up in the present.
STOP IT! Pay attention. God it's so fucking hot.
The three shirtless Japanese boys run past me again. In the same direction as the first time and they head towards the bench 20 feet away from me.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Day 4
A consequence of this job is it's contradictory way of isolating you from society, while forcing you to blend into it at the same time.
I've been working non-stop for days now in the scorching heat wave of summer and I just realized before writing this post that I have had only one face to face conversation with another human in the past 4 days, not including a sales person at the mall. Actually, that's probably why he was able to upsell me on glass cleaner which I didn't need at all. It was sort of like my way of thanking him for reassuring me that I did in fact, still exist.
How in the hell is this affecting my personality? Hard to say I guess...I think all this time spent alone could be either really good or really bad. Definitely talking to myself more, in fact, before this solitary confinement streak even began, my roommate asked me who I was talking to while I was alone in my room. I had no choice but to lie and told her the dog.
Who really needs human contact anymore anyways? It's during times like these that my iPhone is my best friend.
Sent from my iPhone
I've been working non-stop for days now in the scorching heat wave of summer and I just realized before writing this post that I have had only one face to face conversation with another human in the past 4 days, not including a sales person at the mall. Actually, that's probably why he was able to upsell me on glass cleaner which I didn't need at all. It was sort of like my way of thanking him for reassuring me that I did in fact, still exist.
How in the hell is this affecting my personality? Hard to say I guess...I think all this time spent alone could be either really good or really bad. Definitely talking to myself more, in fact, before this solitary confinement streak even began, my roommate asked me who I was talking to while I was alone in my room. I had no choice but to lie and told her the dog.
Who really needs human contact anymore anyways? It's during times like these that my iPhone is my best friend.
Sent from my iPhone
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